What are relationships, really? Is the compromise always one sided; is one person always required to find a mute key for their emotion, to suffocate their feeling to sacrifice for the other?
I feel that every single “relationship” I’ve ever been involved in was somehow unequal: more give vs. receive, or vise versa. How can it truly be healthy to put yourself in a situation in which you are required to compromise yourself, your thoughts or your feelings to accommodate somebody else, somebody unwilling to partake in building any kind of bond? I’m just not sure I will ever completely grasp the concept when I always feel that something substantial and essential is absent.
It’s amazing how content I am to be single, how I always feel like a severely wounded animal viciously taken from my natural environment and encaged when in a relationship. I feel silenced, naked but somehow invisible.
I want to have an open line of communication, the ability to confide in and be confided in, yet I choose men that are completely emotionally unavailable. The very moment I find the courage to voice emotion, things tumble apart revealing the lack of seamlessness that was apparently there all along. It seems that broken souls somehow magnetize and multiply the confusion eventually only causing hurt to both parties.
Someday I want to find a future with somebody, unconditional and eternal love- maybe even children and the cliche’ white picket fence. Sad as it sounds, I’m just not sure it’s in my cards as I not only completely lose myself, but find it difficult to breathe in a relationship.
