Sitting, mind wanders, ponders. The first and last time I’ve felt like this, & this will surely be for-never. Strange how you crept in unnoticed through a lobby full of people, stranger still how you’ve somehow managed to obtain what was never yours to begin with. I’m expelling emotion in unfamiliar verbal strings, reciprocation must follow. Broken, still waiting to exhale, to feel.
The twists and curves of this never-could-be have taken my ability to breathe, to think freely and I’m as uncomfortable as I’d imagine one would be laying on a bed of snails. Sunsets seem to come and go- months must be passing yet I’ve no perception of time. And still, not a word. My thoughts raging to and fro, to and fro, a seesaw of possibility vs. reality.
You’ve taken every inch of my being, planted your flag and sprinted away like a theif in the night. I remain captive, waiting on a change in the direction of wind. I need a sign to validate my feeling, something to allow me to exhale.
My chest hurts from all that it is withholding. Something has to give.
There was a girl I once knew- I admired her so. She knew exactly where she wanted to be and exactly how to get there. She was opinionated, outspoken and at times down-right inappropriate. Quirky and loud, sassy and eccentric. She was feared in a strangely admirable way by both men and women like. Always walked with her head held high, chest forward- if she feared anything in life, it was not outwardly obvious.
That girl was me.
& so it seems that somewhere along the way I’ve lost myself. Piece by piece, the small bits of myself that were the solid definition of my being have dissipated, leaving me slightly bewildered. I suppose this is what most refer to as a mid-life crisis, yet I’m hardly mid-life by standard. I’ve searched high and low, and it seems the more I look the more lost I become. My dreams are dissolving faster and faster, and I’m not sure how I’m continuously losing ground.
Where does one go from here, when progression is only regressing?
It’s almost as if I woke up one day and photography just didn’t make sense to me anymore. This passion of mine- It still powers the beat of my heart. But I lost the ability to make magic… or maybe I just never had it.
I’ve now begun a journey that I hope will lead to understanding. Without knowledge of the art, I am unsure that I will ever become the photographer I’ve always attained to become. Without a full understanding, I will not be the artist I’ve longed to be for so long.
That is something I cannot will not live with.
Every day is a new beginning of this journey. I truly hope the unbeaten path is the right choice, as that is my choice.
<3
this is something you shouldn’t need to fight for. not something to be upset for, to lose sleep for. but you’re here.
i truly believe that there is a certain point in any relationship, friendship or otherwise, in which it becomes ok to FIGHT. ok to stand up for the other person involved.
that point is not the beginning or intermediate stages.
when you initially become aware that you are submerged in another, you should not immediately find yourself struggling to fight the current. things should be easy in the beginning stages of any form of human comradeship.
if you feel that you are giving more, you probably are. back up, re-assess your situation and emotion. if at that point you are ok to walk away, now is probably the best time.
protect your pride, your dignity. walk.
We want things to go well so badly that we hold our breath and back ourselves into corners. We bite our tongues, so careful not to let one thought escape into the land of the seemingly unforsaken.
What are we waiting for? What are we so afraid of?!! To hold one’s thought is to not clearly express oneself, it’s like only bringing part of you to the table.
I’m not doing that anymore. It’s me, 100% me, like it or not ME.
I don’t give a shit about you, or your feelings.
